Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
