My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
