I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
