Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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