Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
