Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
