Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
