just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
