i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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