He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
