Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
