i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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