i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
