Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
