He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize