btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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