Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
