I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i think i have two assholes
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
