Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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