Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
