i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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