BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
