so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
