This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
