Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
