my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
