when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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