Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
