Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
