I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
