i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
