dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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