just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
