worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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