The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
