his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
