Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize