I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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