I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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