Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
be right there i have to get my cape
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
