he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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