Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
