It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
