What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
