As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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