Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is the high leading the old right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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