Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
