Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
