1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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