i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize