If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
In America we eat man semen.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
