So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
