we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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