you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
