Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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