Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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