Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
