there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
