Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
