Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
