I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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