last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
