fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
