don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
