i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize