I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
