you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
