I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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