I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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